Depression

Depression, having it sucks. I have battled with it for years. The earliest cycle of depression I can remember is in 2002. I have gone off and on ever since. My worst was in 2012. It was a horrible year for me mentally. I thought since I got pregnant with my second born, that I had gotten pasts it. I went through so much difficulty and over came it all. But it is back. My life isn't even bad, so I feel stupid for even feeling bad. I feel I don't have the right to feel down, because my life could be so much worse. But here I am anyway, feeling blue. For no particular rhyme or reason. I am extremely sick of going through this. I like being happy. I hate depression. It aggravates me that I have fallen into it again. I am trying different things to help me get out of it however. Hopefully I beat this soon.

Working Out

At school atm, on the stationary bike working out don't have time to do weight work out bc of work, dunno how getting all this done. Had to go to storage unit earlier and try to get my stuff out but that was a fail. Had to pay on the united to have lock cut off bc cardo didn't leave keys. Yup thats all for now, object acting odd so I'm stopping

Music, Life, & Medication

Been going through stressful stuff, sure many would say partly my own fault. But its whatever, trying to look on bright side of things. My EDM music sure has helped me a lot. You just get to hear mostly beats, and the sound of that speaks to you, instead of some crappy lyrics someone wrote about drugs, love, lack of love, or money. I would be lost without this music. I cant wait till I can get out of Georgia though, need to get back down to the beach. I used to love waking up to the salt air, and sun. The sight of the water just chilled me out, which makes sense since I am a fire sign lol. Medication....bad, lol. Well, I'm on it. Couldn't sleep last night so took one to help me sleep.....KNOCKED ME OUT! Almost didnt wake up bc of it, lol. Now to take the other med, get ready for the day and see was Ricardo left me in the storage unit.

Year Later

Its almost a year later, and I decided to take a look at this thing again. This past year has been crazy. Many stupid emotional decisions were made, or not made. As a result, I suffered great pain, hurt and depression. I finally reached a point in my life where I could not get past the crazy thoughts myself. So, I am now in counseling and on some anti-anxiety medication. I have realized many things about myself because of it. I have also gone through the second biggest heart break of my life. Swore, it wouldn't happen again, but it did. I want to get myself figured out before I get serious with anyone else. Not even sure, sleeping with anyone at the moment is good for me. I lost myself again, in another relationship. I am 26 years old, need to figure out who I am and gonna be.

My daughter is doing well though. Her red hair, and "just-like-mommy-attitude" is really coming out in her lol. I wouldn't trade a moment of it thought. Thanks goodness I have some good friends still in my life. Without them I would be lost. Oh, and I am in school, and have a job. So its been stressful juggling those and still having time to myself. But thats life. I guess since its 1am I should get off of here and get some sleep.

Anxiety over What Ifs.

Let me just say, when I fall for a guy, I fall HARD. And when I fall for a guy I treat him like a king, in return I want to be treated like his queen. I can elaborate on both the king and queen thing if you want. But with this guy I have fallen for right now...I'm feeling all sorts of crazy feelings for him. Back story real quick: Met him in 2002 and dated off and on till I graduated in 2004. He's been after me since and when we were together it was a fairly serious relationship.

So yah, we got together....he broke it off because I went a little obsessive, but our "over" only lasted a week. He says we are on a trial period, but occaisionally ignores my txts and calls, wont let me be friend on facebook, but then talks about us getting a place together, acts like a father to my child. And well shit now I am rambling. But sounds shady huh?

Let me clarify: Idgf if we dont talk all day or everyday...but if I shoot ya a txt with a question please respond in a timely manner, if I call you, please in a timely manner call me back. If you're busy...understandable...when you aren't busy shoot me a txt/call to let me know. Don't just ignore me. Makes me feel like trash and just some girl you sleep with (please no lectures on sleeping with him).

Also being friends on facebook isn't a big deal, it only becomes a big deal when you for shady reasons won't let me be you're friend on there. WHAT ARE YOU HIDING? ARE YOU KEEPING YOUR OPTIONS OPEN? Because if thats the case...tell me you aren't ready and lets end this shit. I hate GAMES!

In person, he's generally great. But is he telling me what I want to hear??? See my trust in men has gone to shit since the sperm donor of my child, (who I loved DEARLY and was supposed to marry) decided to seriously mindfuck me and bruise my heart badly. Want details on that...ask but not putting that here.

Point is, its 1:22am on 4.16.11 and I have the jitters...dont know if its from a monster I drank (doesnt norm happen when I drink em) or if its beginnings of a panic attack. But they started when I started thinking about this current guy. I know I'm crazy...but yah. I don't know what else to say....

I just want a guy who will show/treat me with respect, love me as much as I love them, be honest, not be afraid to say "everyone this is MY girl", etc etc etc.

When Love Strikes

When love strikes, it strikes hard,

and it breaks everything into little shards

Some hearts get broken in the way

This happens every day.

People still fall in love

many get trampled in the push and shove

10/28/2002

Nature Inspires

There are stars in the sky

Flowers in the ground

The birds are singing

And the fish are swimming

The grass is green, The fire bright

People are happy

Others though, are sad

Love is around

But sorrow is in me

Tears are raining

The puddles are forming.

10/22/2002